My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
