well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
