Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
