do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
