If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
