im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
