I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
