they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize