My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
