if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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