I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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