There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
