Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
