Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am midnight drunk by noon
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
