R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
