A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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