Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
