she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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