R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
