your thong is hanging out like whoa
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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