Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
