Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
