she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
