I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
