Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
