I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
