Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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