im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
