what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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