Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
