I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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