At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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