So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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