Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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