Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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