someone threw a dead crab at me
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
