I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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