I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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