today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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