listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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