im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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