i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she woke up with a sticky ear
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
