wrigley field is MILF paradise
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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