It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
