Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A+ Viking dick
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
