did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
