so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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