I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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