You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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