the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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