So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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