I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I FOUND THE LEGS
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
