someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
