Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
