im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
