I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
