The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
